This Doesn't Feel Like Home

“If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”, she says, while beating eggs in the kitchen. She’s referring to my idea to paint the coffee table blue.
“So you like the coffee table as it is?”
“Well, I think it’s fine. No reason to paint it”

To break eye contact with her I look at her nose. It is a small nose with a little bump in the middle. I move my attention around her face and look at her ears. She’s wearing earrings that look like tusks.

I love this woman but she doesn’t understand me. She doesn’t understand why I need to do things like this. Painting the coffee table. Cause living in this city is killing me. Not having a job. Wasting away my afternoons on the porch with stolen cigarettes and tap water and stray cats for company. We’ve been here for 3 months and I have yet to even get an interview. Restaurants, movie theatres, coffee shops. All have turned me down. This is why I like making things, painting things. To feel productive. To feel useful.

She repeats “no reason to paint it” like a mantra. We said a city would never break us but I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
All we ever do is fight. All we ever seem to do is say “I’m sorry”. This doesn’t feel like home.

The Last Words You Said to Me

Sometimes to make time pass quicker I imagine what you’ll look like pregnant. I picture you with a round belly and holding your back and shuffling around and breathing funny. This thought makes me smile.

Sometimes, too, I think about my lips pressed against the top of your head and your head pressed against my chest. And in this moment I am scared of this intimacy and you say, “Sometimes you just have to let go, Henry”. You say this with a Southern accent even though you’ve never been to the South.

Every once in a while if I shut my eyes I see you running at me, angry and beating your fists against my chest. And in this imaginary moment you say, “Sometimes you just have to let go, Henry”. But it’s hard to hear the accent because you’re yelling.

Once I had this dream where we ate ice cream cones in the winter on a snow covered hill. You turned to me and told me about a hypothetical bank robbery we could commit if we had tear gas and Doctor’s scrubs.

When I’m waiting for a bus or in a long line I picture us at my Mother’s funeral. And you’re standing next to me in a very elegant black dress. The mood is very somber and a fog creeps in. I start crying and you put your arm around me and pull me towards you and whisper, “Sometimes you just have to let go, Henry”.

The last words you said to me echo through my head like “Hello!” into a canyon.

Judy

Her name was Judy. She was once a cold woman. A widow. Then she saw this Indian guru on public television and started doing yoga and became a vegetarian. She also started doing things like making her family come on retreats with her to the woods.

They all piled in to her 2004 Jetta and left the city on Friday night at 7:30pm. Among them was her son, Kenneth. He was a small man in his early thirties. He had been divorced once and was on his second marriage to a woman named Susan who was also accompanying them on the trip. Her young daughter, Amy, was also there, in the backseat.

"O.k. Does anybody need to use the bathroom? There's a rest stop coming up?"

"No, Mom. Let's just try and get there tonight"

"I do! I need to go potty!" yelled Amy.

"Ken, Amy needs to go. I could stand to stretch my legs. 5 minutes won't kill us" Susan said this while putting her hands on his shoulder from the backseat.

"Alright, alright"

Kenneth was frustrated. Not just with the situation but with life in general. He hated his job, his house, his family. He knew all this made him an asshole but he couldn't help it. He missed his glory days of sleeping until noon and catching a double feature at the run down movie house down the street from his tiny studio apartment. The key word being "his". It was his apartment, his neighborhood. His bottles of beer on the kitchen counter. His one night stands. His cigarettes on the porch that he didn't have to hide from anybody or pretend he was giving up.

He met Susan when they were both young. He had just gotten divorced from his high school sweetheart. Susan was a waitress at a restaurant he frequented. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, with long red hair and perfect skin. He barely spoke to her when she waited on him because he was so nervous around her. One night she was getting off her shift when he was leaving. He was tipsy and decided to walk her home even though she only lived 4 blocks away. She thought it was sweet and they started seeing each other. They broke up 3 times within the first year of their relationship. She had an affair with another man, which is where Amy came from. Their relationship hasn't really ever been stable and they both knew it. Kenneth only proposed marriage after he had gotten her pregnant. She had a miscarriage but he couldn't call off the wedding after that. What would his family say? What kind of man would he be?

"Poppa! Poppa! Look, a cow!"

"Oh! I see that, Amy. Good spotting" Kenneth was tired.

"And what sound does a cow make, honey?", Judy added.

"Mooooooooo!"

They family continued their drive to the woods. Kenneth only agreed to go to keep his Mother company. He worried about her after his Father died. He didn't want her to get into accident or get lost in the woods or bamboozled by some fly-by-night self-help author. But in the back of his mind he hoped that the stress relief seminars and the peace and quiet and the meditation classes would help him. He needed to relax, get used to the idea of being a man and not a boy anymore. He was turning 32 in a month. Susan was only 28. Amy continued to yell about the cows as the family pulled into the rest stop.

The Couple, The Restaurant

The young couple eat alone in a nearly empty restaurant. Their candle is the lone lit one in the old Italian place. Their breath smells of red wine and garlic.

She ordered the fettuccini alfredo, he ordered the veal parmesan. She normally wouldn’t let him eat something as barbaric as veal but it was a special occasion. It was the 2nd anniversary of their first date. Suddenly, there's a buzzing sound.

“Oh, great! Uh, would you excuse me? I have to take this phone call” he says to her, clearly annoyed.

“Oh, sure”

He runs out into the cold night air, pressing his cell phone against his ear, shouting to be heard over the traffic noise. She waits patiently inside, making a game of how long she can leave her napkin over the candle on the table before the flame dies out. After a couple of minutes, he returns.

“I’m sorry. It was my Mom”

“Oh. Is everything o.k?”

“Yeah. My Uncle just got a hernia and he’s in the hospital. It’s not that exciting”

“Is he o.k?”

“Oh, yeah. He’s fine. It’s just a hernia”

“That sounds serious to me. A hernia”

He laughs. “Are you kidding? Do you know what a hernia is? I’ve had a hernia and I lived”

She laughs in response. “You? When did you have a hernia?”

“When I was a kid. I’ve never told you the story?”

“I don’t think so”

“Oh, man. Well, when I was a kid…probably like 9 or 10 years old…I did something to piss off my Mom. Talked back to her or refused to eat my vegetables or something, right? And so my punishment was to go to turn off the TV and go to bed. Now, when I was a kid I was obsessed with television, I watched like 6 hours of it a day. So I threw a fit because I was watching a show I liked. So in defiance I decided to take the family TV into my bedroom and watch it. Well, the only problem is that our TV set was huge. One of those big wood paneled deals. It weighed a ton. So there I am, this scrawny little 9 year old trying to lift this like 100 pound TV. And it gave me a hernia. I had to go to the hospital and have surgery and everything. My Mom still teases me about it to this day”

She laughs. “I had no idea”

“And my Aunt Betty, she was worried sick. She sent me comic books and cookies like everyday. It was really sweet.”

“Did I meet her?”

“I don’t think so. Did you go with me to that family reunion last summer?”

“I think I was in Boston”

“Oh, yeah”

“I’m going to go to the restroom. Excuse me”

She gets up and goes into the bathroom, pulling her cell phone out of her purse. Once inside she makes a phone call.

“Hey. Greg? How’s it going?” she laughs at his response and continues, “I see. Well, yeah. We’re still on our big date. But what are you doing tomorrow?” Another pause. “Well, he works all day. I can do whatever. You want to come over at like 2?” Some more laughter “O.k. See you then”

She exits the restroom and returns to the table where a large piece of cheesecake waits for her. She sits down and begins to cry.

Annie on the Roof

It was warm. It was dark. Annie sat on the roof. She looked over the town and its houses and its people.

She was wearing only her bra and underwear and she was holding a can of beer.

She noticed a patch of trees moving slightly in the breeze. She felt the breeze against her pale flesh. She was short and slightly overweight but still attractive. She had bright blonde hair in a ponytail and big blue eyes.

Even though it was warm it felt like rain was coming. A summer rain.

She was standing up now. And laughing. She could hear her Brother inside the house. He was arguing with his girlfriend.They were both only 13 years old and Annie found this funny. Annie herself was only 17 and she hadn't yet had any sort of boyfriend. Her parents were divorced. Her Brother and her lived with their Father. He was a decent man. He did things like let his teenage daughter drink beer on his roof.

"Hey, Bobby!" Annie yelled inside. "They're starting! Tell Dad! And bring your girlfriend!" She said the world girlfriend funny, emphasizing the "girl", teasing him.

"Shut up! Shut up, Annie! I'll be out in one damn minute!"

The fireworks began, despite Bobby's yelling. The light from them reflected on Annie's face and body in bursts. Her eyes shined brightly and she smiled.

Her Brother and his girlfriend emerged from the house through the window. Their Father followed.

"Pa? Can I have a beer too?" Bobby asked.

"Hell no. You're 13 years old. You ain't old enough"

Bobby shot Annie a scowl as she sipped her beer mockingly.

The small family sat on the roof and watched the fireworks. Bobby's little girlfriend covered her ears and Annie thought this was the silliest thing. While they were up there,Annie's Father smoked 4 cigarettes. Annie smoked half a cigarette before feeling ill.

When it was all over the Father made them all come in and eat some supper.

"I'll come in a while, Papa", said Annie.

"Well, alright. But don't stay up too long. It's lookin' to rain"

"I won't"

"I'll leave some spaghetti out for ya"

Annie stayed up there all night, first gazing at the moon then turning her attention to the stars. The rain started to fall and it fell on her skin and freckles. Her teeth chattered as the hot summer night gave way to wind and rain.

Annie sat on that roof for some time.

Under the Light of the Gas Station

Under the light of the gas station Gary smoked cigarettes and told jokes. I was his audience.

So this guy goes into a Doctor’s office. He’s got a dot about the size of a quarter on his forehead.

The man says “Doc. I got this dot on my head. What is it?”

The Doctor takes one look at it and goes “Oh, boy. Now I’ve only read about this medical journals. I ain’t never actually seen it but you’ve got a penis growing out of your forehead.”

“A penis? Coming out of my forehead? Are you sure?”

“Quite sure. It will grow to full size in about 6 weeks”

“Well, can’t you cut if off?"

“I can’t cut it off or you’ll die. It’s attached to your brain”

“So, doc. You’re telling me that in 6 weeks I will get up every morning and see a full grown penis coming out of my forehead?”

And the doctor goes “Oh. No, no. You won’t see anything. The balls will cover your eyes.

Gary laughs hard and I follow suit.

“That’s a good joke”

It was dusk.

“You want something to eat?” he asks me.

“Aw, no. I’m good”

“You sure? It’s a long drive to Redding and I ain’t stopping once we get on the road”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll probably just sleep mostly”

A young woman exits from her car and passes by me on her way inside. She is very attractive and Gary notices me staring at her.

“Pretty girl”. He smiles.

“Red hair in a ponytail”, I say, “it always turns my head”

“But how many times you see them girls looking back at you?” Gary laughs.

I laugh with him.

Under the light of the gas station Gary continues to smoke cigarettes.

Clam Chowder

Olsen Donahue pulled into Richard’s driveway a little past 3am on a Friday. He was on the road from Portland, OR to San Diego, CA. Richard was Olsen’s cousin. Olsen was coming into town for his Aunt Anne’s wedding. Her third marriage. Olsen was still a bachelor. Richard had a wife. Only one. Her name was Beverly. She was asleep in their bedroom.

“Well, howdy!” Richard yells as Olsen’s 89 Honda Accord pulls up the gravel path.

“Hey, cousin!”

Olsen gets out of the car and they exchange hugs and smiles.

“Come on in. I left some soup out for you if you’re hungry. Clam chowder”

“Thank you”

“I’ll get your bag”

They walk into Richard’s kitchen.

“You like clam chowder, don’t you?”

“Yeah. I love it”

“Bev was afraid you didn’t eat meat anymore”

“Well, I eat fish still. No red meat though”

“No red meat? No steaks? Boy, you must be a cheap date!”

The men laugh together under the dim light of Richard’s kitchen.

“I made a bed for you out on the porch if you want. It’s a nice night. I’m sure you don’t get stars like this out in the city”

“We sure don’t”

Richard lights a cigarette and the smoke drifts up to the ceiling.

“The soup’s up there on the stove if you want some”

“Thanks, cousin”

The t.v. in the living room is playing an old movie from the 40s. A film noir. The sound of gun fire blares from the t.v.

“Damn. That shit is loud” yells Richard.

The two men continue to sit there and talk and eat soup and smoke cigarettes until the sun comes up.